Well, today I finally got a part time job, after half a summer of searching for anything. I've learned that employment is harder than I thought. I think there's a lot of development to go before really being completely self-sufficient.
There's a lot to get done this summer, including making money, wedding plans, finishing an english class, and developing my talents. Wish me luck!
Sometimes I am led to wonder exactly what forces bring me to one place, and someone else to another. I consider myself very lucky to have served a mission, and to have the testimony of the Gospel that I now have. At this point, I feel confident that my future will be good, even when I don't know exactly what's coming. But I marvel that my Heavenly Father never gave up on me, and kept sending good influences even when I wasn't exactly seeking him with all my heart. I guess I've always had at least a part of me directed towards him, but I think that can be said of all people. But not everyone seems to have the same great experiences. A couple kids from one primary class may be inactive when they're older, at the same time as others from that same class are serving missions. Some people from one family will be strong leaders in the church, while others completely fall away.
It's difficult to see the reasons for all of this, because every person's situation is so different. This applies to any measure of a person's life. I can try to make generalizations about what sort of person is spiritual, what makes a good learner, why some people are especially kind towards others, or who will be dependable in a tight spot, but I've found that each person has to judged individually. I'm glad I don't have to be an ultimate judge, because there's a lot you have to know in order to really understand a person. So when I wonder about what led certain people to be where they are in life, I don't ever really come to any conclusions.
What is more productive, although still compromised by my lack of knowledge, is to think about what effect I've had on my friends, family and acquaintances. Better than that is to consider the effect I can have on others. I think I've been surprised many times when people have thanked me for performing some action or setting some kind of example, when I hadn't thought much of what I'd done. But that has taught me about the impact simple things like me can have. I'm far from perfect, but I hope to develop my attention to serving others and being a good influence. I want to try to be a help to others, because I very well could have ended up in no position to help anyone, and I'm not sure why I'm so lucky.
Sometimes I've worried that I don't express myself creatively quite often enough. I think part of this comes from envy: I'll see someone's artwork, or read some cool stuff on the web, or just find something cool anywhere at all, and I want to create something like that. I think I am creative at heart, but I don't show that off enough. I'm more often creative by revising; maybe I'll see a recipe and say to myself: “I want to make something like that, but that's not quite what I want.” Then I'll make something like that which is not too fancy, but I'll be happy with it. I guess I'm lucky that I'm able to put up with myself.
Still, no matter what reassurances I can give myself, I guess I have a desire that will only be satisfied once I start writing or composing or programming, or drawing, or something. I'm writing about creativity right now, but I don't know if essay writing is the kind of creative outlet that will satisfy me. Actually, I can't say whether anything will satisfy me. Whatever I do, I think I really want to work at it and get good at it. I know that all the really cool stuff you see takes time and dedication.
That kind of dedication and hard work is something I'm working at developing within myself. My first instinct is to say that I never had it, but maybe I did, at least to some extent. It's possible that I did work on long-term projects in my youth, but I don't think it happened without prompting, not unless you can count working on beating a computer game. By the time I started high school I seemed to lose that drive. Therefore, I'm not an eagle scout, I don't play the piano very well, I have a poor GPA, and little work and dating experience. Also I feel that hole, that feeling that I'm not meeting my creative potential.
But I do trust that God is leading me on to become a better person. I certainly have been far from a perfect person, but I do try to keep my heart in the right place. My mission was a great blessing to me, and I would not trade that experience for anything. I did feel then that I could have prepared better, could have developed myself into a better person and done more good in those two years. I made some mistakes in my use of time, but I think I also was able to do a lot of good. But that's really hard for me to judge. One thing I knew as I went on my mission was that it was God's will that I go to that place at that time. I had the spirit's testimony of that. I think my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and I want to do everything I can to fulfill my part, because I'm sure whatever he has prepared for me is better than what I would accomplish trying to do something on my own.
I need to rebuild my self-confidence. The tricky part, I think, is balancing the idea within myself that I am above average with humility and trust in God. In the Book of Ether the Lord says: “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.” That doesn't really sound much like a fun reason to seek the Lord, but I think I see how seeing my weaknesses is really a blessing. First of all, it makes apparent the necessity of turning to Christ. Further, I can then overcome these weaknesses by putting my trust in him. The alternative to becoming aware of weaknesses is to be destroyed by them, or to get along fine anyway but be destroyed by the weakness of not trusting in God. I want to be able to see myself without any doubts as talented, cultured, intelligent, and generally of the highest caliber without losing my trust in God, and consciousness of my reliance on Christ's atonement. I think I would rather find myself being forever uncultured and below average then lose loving my Heavenly Father with my whole self. Luckily, I'm don't think I have to make that choice.
Whatever the future holds for me, I want to earn it. Sitting down and writing for a while has been a good experience for me. I think no matter what talents I may choose to develop in the future, I might sit down and write something like this once in a while. This gave me a bit of satisfaction without having spent time to develop great skill, so I can probably write even when my time goes to other pursuits. I guess I do get to use language quite often.
One change I put into place in December that made me very happy was clearing off my desk so I'd have a place to study. I hadn't been able to study well or concentrate in my room, and always tried to do my scripture study in the library, because it was more effective. Now my desk has become my center of study, where I can work through homework problems or study spiritual matters, and there aren't distractions. Lately I've noticed what I keep at my desk now that it's a peaceful refuge for me. There's a couple pictures of Christ, and a fun little puzzle calendar. Naturally I have pens and pencils and that kind of thing. But I've got a few other items which are notable because they remind me of problems I've had and personal weaknesses I now struggle with.
So what led me to have these symbols of my sorrows displayed on my desk? I guess one thing is a reminder of hard times that have passed; a reason to hope when I feel down. I think they also help me realize my hopes, desires, and ambitions. I've long considered a lack of ambition, motivation, and drive one of my weaknesses. At this point in my life I feel like I'm starting to overcome some of that, to hope for something better and actively make good things happen. I guess I don't want to try to forget the bad, because there's no good without the bad. I know it is unwise to dwell on the past, but at the same time I'm sure that what I need is to learn from my mistakes and move forward.
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