Becoming Creative

Sometimes I've worried that I don't express myself creatively quite often enough. I think part of this comes from envy: I'll see someone's artwork, or read some cool stuff on the web, or just find something cool anywhere at all, and I want to create something like that. I think I am creative at heart, but I don't show that off enough. I'm more often creative by revising; maybe I'll see a recipe and say to myself: “I want to make something like that, but that's not quite what I want.” Then I'll make something like that which is not too fancy, but I'll be happy with it. I guess I'm lucky that I'm able to put up with myself.

Still, no matter what reassurances I can give myself, I guess I have a desire that will only be satisfied once I start writing or composing or programming, or drawing, or something. I'm writing about creativity right now, but I don't know if essay writing is the kind of creative outlet that will satisfy me. Actually, I can't say whether anything will satisfy me. Whatever I do, I think I really want to work at it and get good at it. I know that all the really cool stuff you see takes time and dedication.

That kind of dedication and hard work is something I'm working at developing within myself. My first instinct is to say that I never had it, but maybe I did, at least to some extent. It's possible that I did work on long-term projects in my youth, but I don't think it happened without prompting, not unless you can count working on beating a computer game. By the time I started high school I seemed to lose that drive. Therefore, I'm not an eagle scout, I don't play the piano very well, I have a poor GPA, and little work and dating experience. Also I feel that hole, that feeling that I'm not meeting my creative potential.

But I do trust that God is leading me on to become a better person. I certainly have been far from a perfect person, but I do try to keep my heart in the right place. My mission was a great blessing to me, and I would not trade that experience for anything. I did feel then that I could have prepared better, could have developed myself into a better person and done more good in those two years. I made some mistakes in my use of time, but I think I also was able to do a lot of good. But that's really hard for me to judge. One thing I knew as I went on my mission was that it was God's will that I go to that place at that time. I had the spirit's testimony of that. I think my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and I want to do everything I can to fulfill my part, because I'm sure whatever he has prepared for me is better than what I would accomplish trying to do something on my own.

I need to rebuild my self-confidence. The tricky part, I think, is balancing the idea within myself that I am above average with humility and trust in God. In the Book of Ether the Lord says: “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.” That doesn't really sound much like a fun reason to seek the Lord, but I think I see how seeing my weaknesses is really a blessing. First of all, it makes apparent the necessity of turning to Christ. Further, I can then overcome these weaknesses by putting my trust in him. The alternative to becoming aware of weaknesses is to be destroyed by them, or to get along fine anyway but be destroyed by the weakness of not trusting in God. I want to be able to see myself without any doubts as talented, cultured, intelligent, and generally of the highest caliber without losing my trust in God, and consciousness of my reliance on Christ's atonement. I think I would rather find myself being forever uncultured and below average then lose loving my Heavenly Father with my whole self. Luckily, I'm don't think I have to make that choice.

Whatever the future holds for me, I want to earn it. Sitting down and writing for a while has been a good experience for me. I think no matter what talents I may choose to develop in the future, I might sit down and write something like this once in a while. This gave me a bit of satisfaction without having spent time to develop great skill, so I can probably write even when my time goes to other pursuits. I guess I do get to use language quite often.